i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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