i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
