saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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