Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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