Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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