she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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