I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
