the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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