my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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