her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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