Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
