Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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