My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
