I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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