I skipped work to stalk him.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
