when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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