i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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