how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
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I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"