i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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