did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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