As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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