Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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