Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
