How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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