I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.