Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
