Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
