I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
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My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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