i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
