Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Actions speak louder than pants.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
