erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
