The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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