Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
