I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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