I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She's the barista slut.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
