...so i touched it.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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