when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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