You work out of a Hotel?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
