Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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