I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
