I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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