you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You are the jesus of drinking
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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