Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
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Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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