you're like a bully in the Christmas story
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
