You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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