There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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