i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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