I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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