I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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