if you like me you must not know who I am
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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