I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
