Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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