I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
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You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again