Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
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So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
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Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.