I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.