batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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