Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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