Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
