Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
