someone get that fucking seahorse.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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