I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
