you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
