my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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