This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
