Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
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