I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My penis needs a shock collar
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
